Grey Divorce

After years of living together, lying together, fighting and crying together, laughing at the same jokes and grieving with regret for losses never to be regained – someone asks for a divorce. Where is the source of discontent? What charged the impulse to say yes to infidelity? Questions never to be answered within the legal system.

Is Amicable Divorce an oxymoron or a possibility? Can healing come from suffering? Both hold truth. If you have passion about something, why not direct it toward moving on with your lives with dignity and respect. It will take work and a shift in perspective.

Are you worth it? Are your children?

Where Do You Find Peace

I met a man who gave me a gift. I thought I found peace. I heard a story that made sense to me. I thought I found peace. I saw a film that moved me to my core. I thought I found peace. I found my voice. I thought I found peace. I did purposeful work. I thought I found peace. I relived my memories. I thought I found peace. I was gracious, giving and grateful and full of compassion. I thought I found peace.

I found peace when I stopped looking for it.

 

How Do You Know That You Are Doing The Right Thing

When sleep comes easily, when the bird lets you stroke it more than once, when you find that giving outweighs receiving. when the joy felt from receiving is overwhelmingly simply felt, when the cat purrs next to you and your pups come to you by name, when you feel competitive but winning is not as important, when you are who you do not pretend to be, when your adult child says I miss you and you sit at her table as a friend, listening to her words and how she thinks … then you know.

Rosh and Hashanah

Being an older mother of 2 sibling pups is hard work. They keep me up at night, strain my back, distract me from my work, and have me avoiding piles of sh*t walking on my front lawn, side yard and back yard.

They are sleeping now and it is the best sound. When I hold all 22 lbs of them it is the best smell, when I massage their paws and they let me, the best feeling. When we look at one another, I know they see me.

I am so lucky to have them in my life. It is the part of the new beginning I longed for.

 

Poof!

Life is relatively short given that the possibility of death being forever is true. It’s not always about living big as much as it is living true. A meaningful, purposeful existence enlarges every moment and expands our capacity to enjoy a life time. Questions that plague us for answers are merely obsessional distractions of electric impulses shot out in the same circuitry over and over again. Loss, Letting Go and Renewal the emotional seasons of life.

My Mother’s Shoes

‘Heidi’ was my favorite book growing up. I had a relationship with my maternal grandfather much like the one Heidi did. My parents were busy. I think they gave him to me to love. I think they gave him to me to feel loved.

My mother gave me my first dog ‘Rusty’. To this day, both Poppy and Rusty remind me of being loved. Tears come without the ability to hold them back. Since Dad died, I wished he were here to talk football and jazz. Since Mom died, tears come without the ability to hold them back.

I gave my parents my daughter to love and be loved. I gave her Quody and Jake and Lil’ Guy because I was busy. Some spaces can never be filled nor are they meant to. When you love deeply, there is no replacement. Knowing the space exists and cannot be filled, somehow makes you feel whole.

I can walk in my mother’s shoes but never fill them. I believe she knew some secrets about living life well. I believe she had the courage to grow old and to let go when it was time. I know she knew I would be eternally grateful but I also know I could not love her this way while she was alive.

It’s Mother’s Day 2017.

They say it’s Spring

Creating meaningfulness where the emptiness, loneliness, anger, shame and guilt lie is like taking a swing at a tennis ball and hitting air. What just happened? How far away was I?

Reconciliation with self, then others, takes on a lot of time. Walking alone feels right; walking with others awkward. Laughing is a miserable experience afterward. Crying just seems to come naturally.

If the amaryllis plant can spring up for the fifth year without so much as a little water, so can I speak without my voice cracking as it once did.

 

The Snow Is Deep

Veiled in the busi ness of the day lies the under belly of emotion.

The Year the Earth Stood Still

A lack of transparency marked 2016.The great entertainer upstaged the protagonist and all the prognosticators got it wrong. On a smaller, but no less relevant scale, I got it wrong too. From the political scientist whose misrepresentation of himself initially struck a chord to the photographer whose lens was almost always out of focus, I desperately held on to what I thought was a better reality, until I didn’t. In this case, the trees were replaced by the parking lot but the blades of grass that sprung up from the spaces in between represent renewal and promise in 2017.

Have a good one.

Hurricane Serena

Had I not gone through the last 6 months, with just slight chest pain, a few days that I thought I could not survive and a handful of sleepless nights, I would not have understood what it is like to stand on the other side of a tennis court with Serena.

In the infamous words of the great Oz: nobody, just nobody, gets in to see the Wizard., Translated from Freudian psychology that means you have to pay your dues. But isn’t it the kicker when you know your dues have been paid, and the great and powerful Oz is a Freud – I mean fraud.

I have personally come to believe in that grasshopper who hopped unexpectedly into my container of non-toxic hair dye, became coated with the damn stuff and suffered for at least an hour before it croaked.

Well of course I checked on him/her, several times, moving it from place to place thinking if I were this grasshopper where would I like my last few moments of gasping for breath and damning myself for my last hop on earth to be?

I finally settled ‘it’ into the butterfly garden, in a bed of green leafy threads to cover me. Kinda like the refuge I take between my organic comforter and sheets when ‘I take to my bed’ as I did, as Dorothy did and I suppose Serena does, when we just can’t fight anymore and we settle in for what is.